“Cuffing season” is like mating season for humans. It’s like what would happen if Noah’s Ark had a nightclub on deck seven. With angry breezes slapping us ever so gently across the face and wintertime right around the corner, it can only mean “Cuffing Season” is upon us yet again, and that people are pairing up whether they like it or not.
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While some dismiss “Cuffing Season” as some sort of urban myth, check and see how many of your friends were born mid-year. Do the math; their parents were out cuffing (pun intended). But as natural as an event as it may be, remain leery and cautious, because some men’s set of cuffs come with a loftier price than you signed up for when you allowed the shackles to be placed upon your ankles and wrists.
Last week, we discussed the 5 types of women to avoid during “Cuffing Season.” This week we’ll take a look at the men. Ladies, be vigilant and aware or suffer the consequences…
The Gainfully Unemployed
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The gainfully unemployed guy has no intentions of ever getting a job. Instead, he works just as hard at not getting one, tying together loose ends and finding shortcuts to survive.
He’ll assume all the household job duties and even be the best stepdad in the world if need be, just for an allowance and a place to lay his snapback-covered head. Occasionally he’ll pour all his efforts into selling weed to make ends meet, but that only lasts as long as his current victim girlfriend chooses to give him money. Once she gets tired of aiding and abetting his felonious activity, his re-ups dwindle and down goes his clientele. The biggest hiccup with this man is that if he put half of his hustle energy into searching for gainful employment, he’d have his own car by now, instead of driving yours all day (while you’re at work). The hopelessly unemployed cat might have a self-esteem problem that you can’t fix with hugs and kisses or sex and may be so messed up by his childhood that he no longer has the drive to be productive.
Essentially, he tapped out of real life, but this only becomes your problem if you allow it to. By the time you tire of giving him money, it’s too late. Your credit is shot and you’ve incurred debt that you didn’t know you had. Instead of giving him money, give him tips on how to create an attractive resume or simply change the locks in the middle of the night..
The Internet Rapper
The Internet rapper has his sights set on fame and fortune and is not going to take “No!” for an answer. He rarely sleeps and dedicates himself to the “grind” regardless of how penniless the present circumstance may be.
His motivation is the nominal amount of attention he garners on the Internet, which keeps his hopes floating higher than he is every day when he leaves the house for “the studio.” The Internet rapper actually has a decent idea on how to survive and get paid for what he does, the only problem is the struggle that occurs in the meantime. Also, you will be his second priority, no matter how sexy your Victoria’s Secret lingerie seems to be. To be with this man means that you understand the aspects of the “starving artist” and everything that lifestyle entails. When strangers ask him what he does for a living, he adamantly says “I’m a rapper,” even though he may have nothing to show for it but a handful of website links.
There is the chance that his career may take off after countless hours of recording and a backlog of performances that he never got paid for, but as the prophet Kanye West foretold many moons ago; “when he get on, he’ll leave your ass for a White girl.” That reference could be for cocaine or an actual Caucasian chick.
The Absentee Father
The absentee father may be allergic to responsibility and can readily camouflage himself with all his other good qualities. He’s not necessarily a bad guy at heart per se, and in many instances is merely a product of his environment. After all, it’s impossible to expect someone to do something that they’ve never been taught how to do.
There could be a number of reasons why he doesn’t engage and participate in his children’s lives (just paying child support isn’t active fatherhood), but rest assured that if you allow a bun to be placed in your own oven, he won’t magically become a chef overnight. He may, in fact, transform into Usain Bolt and sprint away while you’re at the grocery store buying baby food. Nevertheless, the same fight-or-flight hormones will likely kick in again, and you’ll be stuck in the same predicament as the woman (or women) you so fervently protected him from previously. It’s wise to not allow yourself to be put in that situation, no matter how good the intercourse or companionship may be. And if he lied about having kids when you met him, you can be positive that he doesn’t see them.
Even if the reasons why him and their mothers don’t get along makes all the sense in the world, there’s no justification. Being a father is stressful, but a dude who turns his back on his own flesh and blood is likely the same dude who will steal money out of your purse and try to bone your sister and blame both heinous acts on an imaginary drinking problem.
The Hustleman
The upside to the hustleman is that he always has a few dollars to spare. The downside is that he always smells like Patchouli Oils and incense.
The Hustle man is known for turning nothing into something, but that’s not always a good thing. When you met him, he convinced you that he had the best quality bootleg movies in whatever city you lived in, slid you his card, and you brought into his madness. Now, every other day, he has a trunk full of stolen jeans or hijacked baby bottles and he won’t spend any quality time with you and your kids because he has to get off all his inventory. The Hustleman’s work ethic is admirable, but that means nothing when your cousins call you and complain about how their copy of Madea’s latest movie looks like it was captured on a Blackberry or that the knock-off perfume he sold her for $3 gave her a rash on her boobs. And when it comes time to buy gifts for people, he starts handing out too big t-shirts and socks, no matter the person or the occasion.
Your biggest fight in this situation is with yourself, trying not to believe that you, too, were hustled.
The Baby Boy
The big kid, also known as the “baby boy” has no intention of ever growing up. The only woman for him is his mother, and when she’s not available, it’s his grandmother. In fact, oftentimes his grandmother is his “mother” since she’s the one who raised him, but that’s neither here nor there.
All his life, his mom cleaned up behind him, fed him, enabled him, possibly even lied for him and that’s not changing any time in the near future. Depending on the number of years between him and his mother, they may have grown up together — so to speak — which makes their bond more like siblings than anything else. That’s why his mom always looks like she wants to fight you, because you are taking her brother away.
The baby boy loves video games, spending endless hours with his friends, and is easily distracted by loud, shiny things. And strippers. He would rather eat a combo meal from the local burger joint than throw on a nice pair of pants and a decent shirt and sit in an actual restaurant. Why? Because he prefers french fries over french food. Arguments with a baby boy generally end with him telling you he’s a “grown ass man” before he storms out of the house, only to immediately return, ask you for your car keys, and storm out again. No matter how many times you attempt to belittle his crew of buddies, he’d much rather spend time under them than on top of you (see what I did there?).
If this is a challenge you choose to accept, best believe it’ll be the equivalent of adopting an adult.
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