Where Were Your Boys? - Top 5 Male Fails Of 2013

Throughout the year, we here at TheUrbanDaily have attempted to maintain the power balance between practical thinking and playing yourself with a modest column called Where Were Your Boys?? The mission was simple and pure, point out the occasions when common sense failed in effort to thwart the victories of yes-men worldwide and therefore make the world a better place. But judging by the long list of often found f*ckery in these pages, the enemy is only getting stronger. Now while everyone plays a clown on occasion, we’ve had the misfortune of seeing a few celebs become virtual ringmasters in the circus of entertainment. We now take this time to stop and shake our collective heads at a few individuals who if the play was “The Triangle Offence Of failure” they would be Phil Jackson. 

1) Chris Brown

If failing had a repeat offenders list, Chris Brown’s blonde mug would be framed in the post office. Every time we turned around, Breezy seemed to be in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.  In January, he got into it with Frank Ocean over a studio parking space. He got pulled into court over funny community service records and a hit-and-run incident that gave him another 1000 hours of community service. But why stop there? Why not get into a fight in DC with some yahoos who decided to photo-bomb a picture he took with some female fans that could result in a revoking of the probation he was already on which would lead him to complete about four years behind bars. And somewhere in the mix of all that his bottle tossing buddy Drake decided to lock in and go public with his ex chick Rihana. Even the rehab he’s in began with him putting a rock through his mamas’ windshield. Chris, do us all a solid and sit yo ass down…   

2) Drake

This is a tough one. Because on the surface October’s Very Own would seem to be at the top of his game. His last album Nothing Was The Same is all over the place and demand for homie couldn’t be higher. But have you ever heard the phrase  “You can’t win for losing”? If not, look it up, Drake’s face will probably be right next to it. Besides the fact that he’s running around town with his R&B rival Chris Brown’s leftover honey Rihanmna like that’s hot, besides the fact that he’s the only MC mentioned on Kendrick Lamar’s verse on Control who got butt-hurt over it and talked tough, which caused Kendrick to re-apply his Chuck Taylor to Aubrey’s ass with still no response. The mans fashion, presence and album generate more ode-to-softness, pages, hash-tags and memes in a month than most rappers see in their lifetime. His every word only enforcing his inner fluff only helps to solidify the fail.

3) Rick Ross

We’ve given up on Rick Ross ever putting a shirt on. Apparently airing his cleavage is more important than safeguarding the dignity of big men world wide or protecting the style legacy left behind by the Heavy D and continued by The Notorious B.I.G. And we’ve also given up on the former Corrections Officer turning down some of the gangster talk. If getting shot at in your car and crashing it into the side of a building doesn’t do it, no column will.  But if there was ever a shining endorsement for the Just Say No To Drugs slogan, Rosay made himself the poster child when he spit Put molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it/I took her home and enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it.  So with one lukewarm line on another dude’s song, Ross caused enough ill will that Reebok decided to duck the fallout and terminate their endorsement deal with the MMG general. Maybe next time he’ll wait till he’s off the mollies before writing about em.

4) Ray J

As the card-carrying Colonel of the Cornball committee, Ray J has had his fair share of Where Were Your Boys moments. But to be completely honest, not much he’s done outside of his normal coonery warrants any real attention. Which may explain why in the face of his former girl Kim Kardashian finding happiness and motherhood with a cat named Kanye West, Ray decided now was the perfect time to release the thirst bucket anthem I Hit It First which played as an ode to all those who’ve ever dealt with the bitterness of watching an ex upgrading in front of everyone. Now most of us would handle that in a manner more dignified and becoming of grown men and others would genuinely be happy for former flames happiness. But Good old Ray decide his time was better spent writing a song to show women why no matter their budget, you should always avoid giving a lay to a lame. 

5) Gucci Mane

For most artists, the existence of social sites like Twitter and Instagram are lifesavers for the average cat looking to connect directly with the fans that can support their careers for the rest of their lives. On the other hand, it’s also the fastest way to watch an artist commit industry suicide in public. Enter ATL’s own Gucci Mane who in less than 24 hours, managed to dismantle his career and relationships during a twitter rant that can only be described as “epic.” In one fell swoop he, (Takes a deep breath) claimed he had sex with Monica, Ciara, Jeezy’s “main thang” and Fantasia, claimed he and Waka ran trains on Nicki Minaj and Tyga’s girl/baby moms Blac Chyna, said he wanted to have sex with “Tiny’s lil ugly ass,” aka Tip’s wife, offered Nicki Minaj, Keyshia Ka’ior, Traiji P. Henson and Monica 10k a piece for a group fantasy in tennis skirts, claimed Iggy Azalea wanted to give him head and that he sodomized Buffy Da Body, called Drake a sissy and a male Instagram groupie, called Ross a cop, implied that OJ was beat up and robbed for his chain without the use of a gun, offered to sell Waka and Scooter, implied his former manager Deb Antney of sleeping with French Montana and that Coach K was a child molester, gave the mighty middle finger to Rocko, TIP, 2 Chainz, Young Jeezy, Yo Gotti, OJ, Frenchy and a partridge in a pear tree. Gucci would eventually blame the drugs and cop more pleas than a crack head before payday, but not before authoring the book “How To Lose Friends and Alienate People In A Day.”

Fellas, let’s do better…much better…in 2014.

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