Wakanda, even in all of its fictional glory, has been viewed as a Black Utopia. The place where Popeyes never runs out of fresh spicy and you never argued with the financial aid lady at your college or university.
But after knowing about the particulars of the country and how they don’t necessarily take too kindly to outsiders creeping in on a come up, I figure we go ahead and let it be known the 10 people who definitely would get stopped at the border by W’Kabi and them. This is unlike the mythical cookout people attempt to invite everybody to. Nope, there are strict rules and regulations about Wakanda. A travel-ban, a no-fly zone, a “these heathens aren’t allowed in the sanctuary” list.
10. Rachael Dolezal
Wakanda already has a strict concept about colonizers. Lord knows they don’t need colonizers who come to Wakanda with magic marketed lips saying “they too felt abandoned by Wakanda.” Nawl.
9. Stacey Dash
Because Stacey Dash is anti-Black History Month and walked out of that airport in the “All Falls Down” video and returned a different person that none of us recognize. Well, Fox News did but then you see how that ended.
8. Blac Chyna (And The Fake Booties Of Instagram)
Okay, Blac Chyna has had a bad week. A real bad week. And personally, I don’t think it’s all Blac Chyna’s fault for said week. That being said, Wakanda appreciates things that are all natural. You saw what happened when Okoye almost broke out in hives about her wig.
And that was over a wig! Now factor in other forms of deception? Exactly. Blac Chyna can’t slide in Wakanda. Country would be on high alert for no good reason.
7. Kanye West
We’re still slowly trying to get Kanye out of the Sunken Place. And he’d tried to stage a coup on T’Challa talking about he’s the true king because he got shoes better than Shuri ever made. Plus, I’m still not entirely certain if Kanye wouldn’t try to sneak Kim Kardashian and her terrible cooking past the tribes either. Nope. Tell him he can leave those first five albums though.
6. Clarence Thomas
Wakanda doesn’t need a judge who never smiles but also never speaks AND when he does speak, spouts off some of the more ridiculous takes this side of Stephen A. Smith. Those in power who don’t speak are the most non-trustworthy people ever. EVER. Also, Bill Cosby because … I don’t need someone telling the young boys to pull their pants up
We don’t need a full-blown hostage situation over the rest of the vibranium in the kingdom and come to find out Birdman had it all melted down into a grill or worse, what he should have paid Lil Wayne with.
What more do you want from me? Nothing Ty. Because Tyrese with an iPhone and decent Wi-Fi to communicate has not only come close to ruining Dr. Dre’s billion dollar deal with Apple but also say that Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith gave him money, argue with The Rock (who definitely IS invited to Wakanda) over being jealous that the Rock is getting his own stand-alone Fast & Furious movie and more. We can’t have him getting access to the Wakandian Wi-Fi. Wakanda was supposed to stay a secret. Tyrese around? That’s all gone.
3. Kendu Isaacs
I can already see Mary being part of the Dora Milaje asking if she’d want this dude to surrender after he wanted not only half but spousal support and probably the house, the cars, the kids, the dog, the saline solution that helped make up much of My Life and Share My World and everything else.
Trust nobody for a second that willingly joined a bigoted White House, got fired, was escorted out of the paint kicking and screaming and then tried to come back to black people wanting acceptance. Or disrespected the National Association of Black Journalist convention, perhaps one of the few great galleries of Black ambition and camaraderie we have. While we’re at it, take Ben Carson with you. The greatest Disney princess of all-time already has gifted hands and technology, Doc.
1. R. Kelly
No. Wakanda has no need for people who self-invite themselves to Wakanda knowing full well that they a) have Twitter in Wakanda and b) know full well that some transgressions just cannot go ignored. And yes, there is that whole eviction thing that just happened. The children of Wakanda will inherit the land. Besides, they’ve already told you that they’d meet you at the door, anyway.
The 10 People That Aren’t Allowed Anywhere Near Wakanda was originally published on theboxhouston.com