As the weather gets cooler, it can only mean that everyone’s favorite time of the year, “Cuffing Season” is here again. With memories of the summer behind us and the winter creeping ever so slightly towards us, it’s only natural that people begin to gravitate towards one another in search for someone or something to keep them warm.
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While some dismiss “Cuffing Season” as some sort of urban myth, check and see how many of your friends were born mid-year. Their parents were out cuffing, if you catch my drift. As natural as an event as it may be, there are dangers lurking, and some women may not be worth the trouble it takes to place the shackles on them in the first place.
Be vigilant in your search and try to avoid these 5 types of women during “Cuffing Season”…
Drama Princess
The drama princess is a graduate of 90′s R&B music University and loves to cause personal problems for herself. She’s addicted to nitpicking and catfights and — from a distance — appears to hate to be happy. She goes through your phone if it’s not locked and if it is secured, will spend endless hours trying to figure out your code. Hours she could’ve spent spending time with you — her boo — but no dice. If she unlocks it, there will be hell to pay over texts from your mom and random phone numbers that she can’t immediately place value on. If she can’t unlock it, you’ll hear about it, until you either give her access to your privacy or throw your phone out of the window on the freeway during an(other) argument. The drama is limitless with her; she saw the way you looked at the girl on the McDonald’s commercial and wasn’t particularly thrilled that you “liked” the picture of your ex and her husband and their child on Facebook. As much as drama princesses don’t want to be happy, they want you to be even less happy and will spare no expense at making sure this happens. She may even threaten suicide once a month just to keep you on your toes. If she goes through with it, though, she truly becomes the queen of all drama and will haunt your dreams and relationships for eternity.
Professional Babymomma
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The professional babymomma is the quintessential urban entrepeneur who has learned how to truly profit from the God-given golden gift she has tucked in her yoga pants. She has become a concubine of sorts, collecting checks from various men and state agencies and has the lavish lifestyle to prove it. She’s not looking for love, or even a regular sex partner. Instead, she’s hidden in plain sight, like the Predator, waiting for a man with no self-control to lust after her and subsequently unload a paycheck on her. No pun intended. She doesn’t mind the bad reputation and the constant baby momma comedy from society because the way she sees it, she’s getting paid to poop out humans while some chicks don’t even have jobs at all. And with the current state of babydaddery being at such a low point, her hustle bustles right along, smoother than the bottom of her new(est)born. When it comes time for a babysitter (which is generally 3 nights a week, depending on which clubs are popping), she casually football passes her softball team to her mother, her mentor, the boss kingpin who taught her how to pimp humanity in the first place. Do not let the spandex and flirtatious nature fool you; avoid this thirst trap at all costs or suffer a “cuffing season” that doesn’t end until you die or she gets busted for welfare fraud.
Reality Show Reject
The “Reality Show Reject” is a diva. And by diva, I mean attention-starved “Look at me!” machine who’ll do just about anything to be seen. Her attitude is uncannily like all the chicks she watches and worships on TV, idolizing their lives and imitating their actions as if she’s getting a paycheck to embarrass you, herself, and her momma. She’ll be quick to roll her eyes at some chick she doesn’t like and quicker to reach for her weave if she doesn’t like something she said. Or the color of her dress. When she’s not starting arguments at parties she wasn’t invited to or talking about how tacky her “bestie’s” new business venture is behind her back, she’s at home, getting drunk off of wine watching reruns of “Basketball Wives” or “Bad Girls Club” with a bunch of other “divas” who can’t keep a man around long than 2 months. The reality show reject has invested years of valuable time cultivating her reputation and wears the “Bad Bitch” title proudly, like a name tag on a Walmart cashier, so use caution should you decide to offend her. It may result in key scratches on your car or your wardrobe getting bleached and shredded. And for what it’s worth, she also thinks Steve Harvey is a genius of Tyler Perry proportions.
Queen Of The Ratchets
The queen of the ratchets is traditionally the most dangerous of the bunch, for a few reasons. There is a pretty good chance she has a weapon on her. She most likely steals what she wants — even if she has money — just to prove a point. She’s been arrested before so she has no real fear of authority (including you when you raise your voice). She’s the type to go through you phone but hide hers. And to top things off, she threatens to have sex with strangers when you don’t act right. She’s known for having wigs that match her outfits, drinks beer (out of the can) and can smoke more weed than you and you friends combined. Many people think the queen of the ratchets is a lesbian because of her masculine attitude and aggressive nature, but that’s not always the case. She just finds it hard to break the habits she picked up after all those years as the school bully and selling drugs for her cousin. You can most likely find her at the back of the bus, rolling a blunt on her way to child support court, loudly boasting about a fight she just had, or dropping her kids off at her grandmother’s house on the way to a 2 Chainz concert. Take heed: she’s not joking when she threatens to stab you.
The Internet Model
She only has one thing on her mind, and that one thing is “fame.” The internet model isn’t necessarily a bad person, for example: she has a decent job, takes care of her kids, and knows what it takes to maintain a steady relationship with a man. The dark side of her moon, so to speak, is that her bodacious butt checks and tantalizing ta-ta’s are laced across the back alleys of the internet, on every social website known to young mankind. Guys from Twitter recognize her name and her cleavage line. Men on Facebook fill her inbox with lewd proposals and rape-y compliments. Her Instagram posts get more likes than you have followers, and why? Because she strips down to her unmentionables and poses like a pornstar every chance she gets. Her definition of “selfie” involves her thong-covered hind quarters hanging off a bathroom sink or aerial view snapshots of her breast friends, oiled and inviting. She may not pay attention to all the dogs panting in her direction, but best believe she takes a small amount of pride in knowing that somebody, somewhere pleasures themselves to her amateur modeling career. She’ll even appear in low budget rap videos, gyrating like a roller coaster loop, with the hopes that it will pad her portfolio. Be warned: the day that some Hip Hop magazine comes knocking at her email address might very well be the day she becomes too good for you, even if you did pay for all her tattoos and piercings.
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