Babies Babies are adorable. Hell, I’ll have a new one to look after in a few months. But for all the cutesy things they can do, they are also possibly the most annoying creatures on the planet. For starters, babies can’t talk, therefore their only true means of communication is crying. They cry if their hungry, sleepy, soaking in pee-pee, scared, cold, etc. That alone is reason enough to NOT allow them to breach the hectic tranquility of the barbershop, because it’s hard to talk about who Stevie J is boning over the shrieks of a human puppy. But wait, there’s more. Babies often smell like poo (because all they do is eat, sh*t, and sleep), and that offensive odor rides dense, warm air like a subway train of doo-doo to the nearest set of nostrils. A barbershop ceiling fan is no match for such muscle-bound funk. Babies also have the power to make any adult talk like an overzealous moron who never attended english class, and “baby talk” is one of those things that shouldn’t be allowed in a barbershop. The only thing they’re good for is getting a woman to expose her breast (for feeding purposes), but woman aren’t allowed in a barbershop, so forget about that happening.

7 Things That Don’t Belong In A Barbershop  was originally published on

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